i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
