I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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