I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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