I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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