i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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