And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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