How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
