god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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