how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
