I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize