Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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