I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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