I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
