What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
