Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
