is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
