My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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