Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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