Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
