im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize