$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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Randomize
