the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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