So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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