Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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