and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
