When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
