i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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