im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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