I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
