my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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