Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
