If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
