I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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