New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
