Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
