there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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