Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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