but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
