is your mom at the bar?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
