Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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