I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
