you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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