you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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