You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
