He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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