nut hugger
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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