She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
