Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Randomize
