what day is it and did you see me today?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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