why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
