the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I am never drinking with the goths again.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
