I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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