be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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