and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
