We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize