he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
