it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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