i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
