My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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