i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
