Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
