yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
she told me i tasted like america
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
