do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
