My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
