I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
