It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize