My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My ass is underappreciated
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