my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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