i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
