Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
