So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
