Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
