u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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