took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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