I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
