My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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